


knives in my heart

by atinywooyoung



Series: First Milestone Drabbles [3]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25408657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atinywooyoung/pseuds/atinywooyoung
Summary: Scars are scattered on your body like stars in a night sky, they are there for anyone to see but there are more, hidden underneath where only he is allowed to see. You fought and won your war but sometimes, sometimes the demons come back, sometimes the knives still twist inside your heart, breaking you apart. Sometimes you just need to fall to pieces to build yourself up again and that’s when you truly need him by your side.
Relationships: Park Seonghwa/Reader
Series: First Milestone Drabbles [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1840264
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	knives in my heart

**Author's Note:**

>   
>   
> **❖ WARNINGS:** trigger warning for domestic abuse, broken family, physical and psychological scars, heavy depression.

There are scars littered across the tender skin. Some are light, barely visible, some are deep and impossible to ignore, some are fair while some are dark and Seonghwa has seen them all, he has brushed his fingers against them, kissed them gently with his lips as to replace the memories associated with them with him instead.

But there are scars not even he can see nor touch and those are embedded deep inside your aching heart, concealed to perfection even to the keenest eyes and those wounds are the ones that hurt the most, the ones that steal your breath away and bring tears to your eyes.

Sometimes when you are alone and there are no masks to wear, no lies to escape inside to and pretend everything is ok until you feel it’s the truth, you break apart in tiny little pieces of glass scattered across linoleum floor and stay there until your fingers can finally move and pick them all up again.

Today is one of those days.

Tears are streaming down your face in big glass-like pearls that tried to choke you on the way back home, piling up inside your throat every second more until you were almost gagging on them.

They burned your eyes and wrenched your heart and now that no prying eyes can catch them, see through the cracks of your mask and glimpse at the despair inside, they flow like a river down your cheeks, coil to your chin and wet your shirt, your naked legs, the floor and everything in between their course.

Sometimes it’s some words or something you see that causes the overflow of emotion, the uncontrollable sense of defeat and hopelessness but sometimes it’s just your own sanity splitting at the seams on its own accord.

Helpless, you fall inside the black abyss of the memories you’d rather forget. You can almost feel the cold water surrounding you, enveloping you whole, clouding your thoughts, freezing your heart while filling your lungs.

Your eyes snap open, your breath coming out short and ragged and a part of you wishes you had kept them closed, kept drowning inside the memories and the deep water because, in an instant, your gaze is fixed on the scars that mark your forearms.

Tiny but deep cuts mar the skin and they work as a reminder of what has been done to you over and over again but the very person that was supposed to love you the most, protect you from the big and scary world.

That very person that gave you life and that swore to protect you from the moment you were born betrayed you countless of times until you started to believe you deserved it all, that his words were true and that your life was exactly how it was supposed to be.

 _Worthless. Pathetic. Stupid. Unlovable._ Broken.

He made sure you felt all of these words and believed them and not happy enough with the result, he made sure they become real to everyone else’s eyes.

Those scars you try to wear with pride tell to everyone a different story. A girl that never loved herself, a girl that was so sad she felt like she had no choice but inflict pain to herself in order to feel something else, a girl with a past that will never be erased. 

You pinch the skin of your arms as if trying to erase the traces left behind by your father and his love for sharp objects and scarlet blood against innocent flesh.

You try to push back the memories, the yells, the pain, the begs, the tears, the prayers in the middle of the night, the hollow sound of kicks and punches thrown against your mother’s battered body.

Your body quivers and the loud sob that erupts from your lips then almost breaks you into half, tears your insides apart until you’re sure there is no going back this time.

What if you break right here right now and never return? What if the pieces cannot be mended together anymore?

You grasp your hair, pull and tug on the strands until it hurts, until you’re sure some locks will remain stuck between them forever and you do it all to will the thoughts away, to make them stop and leave you alone.

_Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP._

You don’t realise you are screaming those words, screaming them until your throat feels raw and you don’t hear the door open, you don’t hear it go back into its hinges and you don’t even hear his voice as he softly calls your name.

All of a sudden, you are staring inside beautiful onyx eyes. They looked worried and pained and you hate the fact that they do because it is all because of you.

You crawl inside yourself a little bit more, you divert your gaze from him because you cannot stand the idea of showing him this part of you again, letting him see all the cracks on your facade and peek inside at the scars hidden underneath the flesh, beneath the organs, marred all across your tainted soul.

“Go away,” you rasp out while closing your eyes as if by doing that you could actually make him disappear.

You hold your breath, your heart stopping in your chest for a second as your thoughts split into half: the part that wants him gone and the part that is begging him to stay, to help piece you back together and cradle you within his arms, lulling you to sleep until your eyes can open to a new day, a new version of yourself that is less broken, less scared, less tortured, less everything.

“Hey, look at me,” his voice is gentle just as much as his touch is as he reaches for you, pulling you into him so that he can wrap his arms around your quivering body and shield you from the world. Too bad he cannot shield you from your own mind.

His fingers hook your chin and slightly pull it upwards until you are forced to look inside his beautiful eyes. Facing him is so much harder when he is looking at you like you are the sun in his sky, like you’re everything that matters.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby.” He whispers, pulling you into him a little bit tighter now that he is sure you won’t push him away, yell at him to leave you alone.

You wish you could but instead, you break apart in front of him, crying under his gaze with such despair your whole body shakes with the violence of each sob.

“Why? Why won’t you leave me?” You ask, tears falling on your cheeks like a cascade, filling your mouth as your lips hang open, trembling, “Can’t you see how broken I am? I am damaged goods, Seonghwa and you could do so much better than me… why won’t you just leave me?”

“Because I love you,” he immediately retorts, shaking you a little as if that would help you see that. But you do see it, you see it in his eyes, in the way he speaks and looks at you every single day. You just don’t understand _why_. Why would someone like him want someone like _you_?

“I don’t like it when you say things like that,” he adds, his arms leaving your body so that his fingers can cup your face and dry your cheeks from the tears, the soft caresses soothing you enough to let you catch your breath, “To me, you’re perfect.”

You don’t understand how he can say that and with so much conviction it must be the utter truth. What does he see that you don’t?

“I’m the furthest thing from perfect there is, Hwa.”

He shakes his head, lets your noses brush together until a small smile graces your lips. He smiles in return and the sight warms your heart, melts the ice that was spreading inside your body completely and slowly, without even realizing it, the bad thoughts subside, the get scattered away and replaced by him instead.

“Not to me,” he finally says before pecking your nose while his arms wrap around you once more, pull you in until your head is comfortably resting on his chest and you can breathe in his scent.

You stay like this for hours, hugging each other in utter silence, just basking in each other’s presence.

When you find your voice again, when your heart has finally returned to its peaceful state, that’s when you finally speak those words you’d wanted to whisper to him as soon as you saw him crouched down before you, pained and worried for you, because of you.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For… for earlier.” For _everything_. You couldn’t bring yourself to say those words but his arms tighten their grasp around you as if he heard you loud and clear.  
“You don’t have to apologise, baby, for anything.” He searches for your eyes, locks your gaze in his and then he pecks your lips and the simple touch soothes your fears and guilt.

It’s astonishing the power Park Seonghwa has on your heart and soul and it’s even more extraordinary that you are the one that gladly gave it to him. You never showed so much of yourself with anyone else.

He has seen it all and he has accepted and embraced it all proving your father’s words wrong over and over again.

“I’m just glad you’re safe,” he says, pressing his forehead against yours as you caress one of his cheeks lovingly while staring inside his eyes, “I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost you.”

His words break you and his mouth on yours mends you all at the same time like an endless cycle.

“You will never lose me,” your words are barely above a whisper but you mean them with all your heart and Seonghwa knows it and seals the promise with a kiss that leaves you breathless. This time, it is for all the good reasons and you welcome the sensation, bask in it even because it’s in those moments that you feel complete again. 

He was wrong. Your father was wrong.

 ~~Worthless~~ _Important_. ~~Pathetic~~ _Happy_. ~~Stupid~~ _Wise_. ~~Unlovable~~ _Loved_. ~~Broken~~ _Whole_. And beautiful and perfect and _invincible_.

And Seonghwa whispers those words to you over and over again, every single day until it becomes easier to believe in them, until they start feeling like the utter truth, until they become true and all he’s ever said and done to you is nothing but a distant memory that cannot hold you or hurt you anymore.

He is the past and Seonghwa is the present, the future and everything in between.


End file.
